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On a cold December night, high above the
earth, flies a big jolly man of

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considerable girth, making his way to
every home under the sun in his magical

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sleigh, Air Force One.

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I know you have questions for the
president, but it's very late. He's

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His brain is all over the place.

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So unfortunately, he can't wait to talk
to you.

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Hello, everybody.

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Hi, it's Steve.

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Yes, hello.

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It's your favorite president.

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Hiding behind my curtain.

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Ooh, peek behind the curtain. It's
something I enjoyed doing at Miss Teen

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1997.

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Ready to talk. And, you know, this is
exciting. Tonight I took both an Ambien

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and an Adderall, so we're going to see
which one wins. Just a few questions,

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please. Please. Oh, how great is
Caroline Levin? We love her. Oh, she's

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beautiful face. And those lips that
don't quit.

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Pretty amazing that I could just openly
simp over my young blonde subordinate.

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It's giving Michigan football coach.

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Can we get a close -up?

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Let's get a close -up on her mouth. It's
one of my top mouths.

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I love that mouth.

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People need to see this. Look at those
lips. They go bop, bop, bop like a

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machine gun.

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Just spectacular.

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I'm a married man. I'm obsessed with
this woman.

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She liked it because I'm very nice to
women. Yes, you have a question, you

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nasty, horrible witch.

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It's Caitlin Collins, sir, and that's
one of the nicer things that you've

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me. Sir, at your rallies this week, you
addressed the affordability crisis.

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Are you admitting that it's a serious
problem?

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No, it's a made -up term, affordability.
The economy is very strong.

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Everyone's fine, from the billionaires
all the way down to the poor, poor

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millionaires who we're praying for every
night.

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which is a miracle because I inherited a
mess of an economy from the awful

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presidents that came before me, like
Biden and Trump. This guy, this guy did

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real number on this place. Now, can a
man ask me a question, please? Yes,

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kind of a man. I wonder what you got.

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Okay. Mr. President, any comment on the
oil tanker you seized off the coast of

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Venezuela on Wednesday?

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Yes, we're doing pirate now.

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Arrgh!

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You know, it's interesting.

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Last week, I said Somalis were garbage,
and now we're stealing the ships.

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Ironic, isn't it? Alanis, she's great in
dogma. But with regard to Tanker, you

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know, I'm captain now. Remember that,
Captain Phillips? I'm captain.

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I love that line.

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You know, Captain Phillips, one of my
favorite captains after Crunch.

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Oops, all berries.

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Why do you say oops? I prefer it. I
prefer when it's all Crunch berries.

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Uh -oh, me thinks...

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The Caribbean has pulled into the lead.

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But don't worry, Adderall is still in
the race.

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Right. So you'll continue to carry out
strikes on Venezuela in the Caribbean?

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Yes. And, you know, we're not just
targeting drug boats. We're targeting

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suspected drug planes as well. In fact,
we have some declassified video from a

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strike. I can show you now. Do we have
that clip?

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Where's the clip?

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Was that Santa?

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Not anymore.

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Next question.

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Mr. President, do you have any comments
on the potential sale of Warner Brothers

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to Netflix or Paramount? I don't know
why anyone wants Warner Brothers. They

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one of the worst studio lot tours in L
.A.

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You go on that thing and it's just some
kid pointing to a tree. Oh, that's the

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tree from Pretty Little Liars. Who gives
a crap?

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We want to go to Luke's. I want to go to
the Gilmore Girls Museum. Let's go

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there. Or the Batman Museum.

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Right. Yes.

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But could you comment on the latest
batch of Epstein photos released by

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Democrats? Look, the fact is these
photos are a fake news Democrat hoax,

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Well... Even the picture of a bowl of
condoms with your face on them and the

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text saying, I'm huge?

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They're 100 % legit. I love those files.

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I'm in the files. I took a lot of great
pictures. Okay. I like that bowl. Okay,

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I think that's enough questions. The
president really needs to rest. Oh, it's

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true. I have to begin my pre -bedtime
self -care ritual, putting a bandage on

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hand and covering it with makeup, then
adding more layers of bandage and

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It's a medical lasagna. Mamma mia.

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I'll be very worried about my health.
I'm very ill.

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Then I will brush my teeth before
drifting off to grieve about Caroline's

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Let's get one more shot of it.

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Look at that mouth. You want to say the
line?

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I don't know. Say the line. I want to
see those lips. Say the line.

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It's Saturday night!

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It's Saturday night live!

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Where?

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Michael Tay

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Mikey

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Day

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Andrew

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Dinkmute Chloe

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Fineman

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Marcelo Fernandez James

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Constance Johnson

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Colin

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Schultz Paris Sherman

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Keenan Thompson

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Featuring Tommy Brennan, Jeremy

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Colhane, Ben Marshall,

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Ashby

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Petia, Pam Patterson,

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Veronica Zlorykowska,

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And your host, Josh O 'Connor.

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Ladies and gentlemen, Josh.

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Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
I'm so happy to be here.

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I'm Josh O 'Connor.

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Thank you.

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And for those of you who know my face,
but maybe can't quite place me, no, I am

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not the mouse from Flushed Away.

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Although I will say he is quite
fetching.

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I'm an actor who you might know from The
Crown.

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Yes, from Challengers and other...

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Thank you. And other competitive
homoerotic dramas.

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Yes, I know I have a reputation for
being what the internet calls a soft

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embroider, I scrapbook, I garden.

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I'm just your average, everyday 65 -year
-old woman, and I'm just trying to live

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a quiet life.

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But you have to be very careful about
what you say because the press will blow

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everything completely out of proportion.

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Like one time, I said that one of my
favorite movies is Ratatouille, which is

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true. It's a great film.

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But I suppose fans started pitching me
as Chef Linguini for a live -action

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Ratatouille remake.

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And I'm not very online, so I didn't
know that this was a thing until the

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president of Disney Pixar publicly
declared that they will never...

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be a live -action Ratatouille remake, no
matter how much Josh O 'Connor wants

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it.

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Do you know how it feels to be publicly
rejected from a job I didn't even want?

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Now, for the record, I don't even want a
live -action Ratatouille. I don't have

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the time for it. I'm already in the new
Knives Out film, which, now

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that I'm saying it out loud, sounds like
the perfect name for the live -action

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Ratatouille.

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But that's neither here nor there. I'm
at FNL, and I'm so honored. The cast,

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crew, and sorry, sorry, for what it's
worth, I would kill as Linguini.

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Can we actually see a picture of him?

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His ears, his ears are huge, and
Ratatouille is basically a queer love

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But I agree.

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I agree. Let's not do it.

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Anyway, being here at FNL during
Christmas time is magical and joyous.

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And guys, you can't make Ratatouille
unless you have the perfect cast.

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There's just no point.

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I mean, who would play the food critic
Anton Ego?

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Perhaps Jeff Goldblum?

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No, no, no, no. I mean, yes, but later.

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We've got a great show for you tonight.
Lily Allen is here.

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Now, the game where singles mingle. It's
Let's Find Love.

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Hello, hello, and welcome to Let's Find
Love. I'm your host, Garth Vader.

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I don't know why that always gets a
laugh. It's just my name.

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But today, one lucky man will get his
pick between three beautiful ladies in

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search for love. Let's meet our prince
charming, Daniel Schlesser.

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00:10:54,010 --> 00:10:58,270
Hi, I'm Daniel. I'm 35 years old, and
I've been told I'm cute.

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I don't know.

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Oh, you know.

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Now, before we meet our lovely ladies,
we would just like to say we have

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00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,980
addressed the age discrimination problem
here at the show. So we have officially

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00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:16,380
raised the age cap of our contestants
from 38 to as old as we can find.

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00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:18,160
Wait, what?

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00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:24,960
I'm Giselle. I'm 36.

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I'm a swim instructor, and I'm looking
to cannonball right into your heart.

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00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,200
Hi, I'm Tricia. I'm 35.

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00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:40,640
I work in accounting, but the only
number I'm interested in is infinity

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00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:41,640
you.

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00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:53,230
What's going down? I'm Mingham Crescent.
I'm 84 years old, and I'm looking for

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someone to keep me cracking and smacking
until my time here on Earth is up.

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00:11:59,150 --> 00:12:02,730
Fantastic. All right, let's get started
with our first... Looking for someone to

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keep me going, get my bones right, keep
my bones right, make sure I'm taking my

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00:12:06,950 --> 00:12:10,750
meds right, getting my meals right,
getting my proteins right, getting my

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right, getting my pills right, make sure
I'm getting my salmons right, getting

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my juice right, getting my stuff right.

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Oh, my God.

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I'm just getting settled.

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Okay.

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00:12:37,370 --> 00:12:42,290
All right. Yep. There she goes. She's
going to back it in. Great.

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00:12:42,610 --> 00:12:44,530
Yeah, yeah. All right. I think she sees
it.

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Wonderful.

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00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:47,350
I'm here.

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Okay. Well, these are some beautiful
ladies, Dan.

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Let's start off with your first
question.

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Okay.

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Contestant number one, we're bound to
get under each other's skin, but what is

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00:13:00,870 --> 00:13:02,090
your biggest pet peeve?

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00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:03,490
Ooh.

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00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,100
is when people are being mean to others.

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00:13:07,580 --> 00:13:09,160
Oh, that's so sweet.

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00:13:09,860 --> 00:13:11,360
I love nice girls.

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00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,320
No, you don't.

188
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:17,380
No, no, no. We're all going to wait our
turn.

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00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,140
Okay, contestant number two.

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00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:23,960
Um, when people chew gum with their
mouth wide open.

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00:13:24,380 --> 00:13:25,620
Oh, totally.

192
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,320
I absolutely hate that.

193
00:13:28,220 --> 00:13:29,740
I'm not allowed to have gum anymore.

194
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:32,360
That's what they said.

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00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:34,180
That's what they said.

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00:13:36,430 --> 00:13:37,790
Can that count as her answer?

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00:13:38,210 --> 00:13:39,210
Uh, no.

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00:13:39,810 --> 00:13:40,810
Okay.

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00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:42,070
Contestant number three.

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00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:45,250
Biggest pet peeve is when there's no
cake at a wedding.

201
00:13:45,810 --> 00:13:47,130
Doesn't make any sense!

202
00:13:48,610 --> 00:13:52,270
Makes me want to hurl myself over a
bridge, no cake at a wedding. There

203
00:13:52,270 --> 00:13:56,050
always be hot, moist cake at a wedding.
Or why should I go?

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00:13:56,930 --> 00:13:58,030
Why should I go?

205
00:14:01,770 --> 00:14:03,070
Am I supposed to answer?

206
00:14:03,770 --> 00:14:04,870
I don't think so.

207
00:14:05,260 --> 00:14:10,420
Okay, next question. Contestant number
one. If we were to leave together, where

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00:14:10,420 --> 00:14:12,020
do you see our future in a year from
now?

209
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,940
Ooh, hopefully somewhere tropical
together.

210
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:17,760
Laughing under the stars.

211
00:14:18,340 --> 00:14:19,420
A sense of humor.

212
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:21,680
That's so important. I love that.

213
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,600
I got a joke. My sister's a bitch.

214
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,280
Okay, let's move on. Contestant number
two.

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00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:34,100
I'd like us to be in the suburbs with
one child and a couple little ones on

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00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:37,490
way. Well, medically impossible, but a
really nice idea.

217
00:14:38,050 --> 00:14:39,590
And contestant number three.

218
00:14:40,190 --> 00:14:42,970
I know exactly where I'll be in one year
from now.

219
00:14:43,310 --> 00:14:45,950
Front row opening night of Toy Story 5.

220
00:14:46,730 --> 00:14:47,970
The toys are back.

221
00:14:48,610 --> 00:14:50,790
And they're wiser than they were before.

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00:14:51,570 --> 00:14:53,650
Woody and the gang have to battle an
iPad.

223
00:14:54,090 --> 00:14:56,310
And Pixar's got a lot of pressure.

224
00:14:56,910 --> 00:15:00,590
They've got to get the story right, get
the buzz right. They've got to get Andy

225
00:15:00,590 --> 00:15:02,750
right, get the toys right. Or else why
should I go?

226
00:15:04,430 --> 00:15:05,430
Why should I go?

227
00:15:10,150 --> 00:15:11,150
All right.

228
00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:15,410
Looks like it's that time to pick your
one true love, Daniel.

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00:15:15,730 --> 00:15:17,830
Oh, finally time to pick. Let's go.

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00:15:18,810 --> 00:15:22,050
Oh, no. I'm sorry, man. Let me see my
options.

231
00:15:22,370 --> 00:15:23,370
You don't pick.

232
00:15:23,570 --> 00:15:24,570
Whoa.

233
00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:26,550
Smoking.

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00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:30,470
Well, that's very flattering, but I
think I'm going to have to go with

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00:15:30,470 --> 00:15:32,130
else. Not you, pretty boy.

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00:15:32,630 --> 00:15:33,630
Him.

237
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:35,580
Me? Oh, yeah.

238
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:37,820
Oh, snap. I never get picked. Yeah.

239
00:15:38,460 --> 00:15:41,800
Because that's not how the game works.
Yeah, bye -bye -bye -boo. I'm in charge.

240
00:15:41,860 --> 00:15:45,080
Come on, man. I'm on the back. Let's get
our bodies right. Let's go get our

241
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:48,500
families right. Let's go get our juice
right. Let's go get everything right.

242
00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:50,140
Let's go get our meals right.

243
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:54,020
Let's go get our presents right. Let's
go get our vitamins right.

244
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:57,280
It's the end of the year, and you know
what that means.

245
00:15:57,520 --> 00:15:59,540
Honey. Spotify rap just dropped.

246
00:15:59,740 --> 00:16:01,660
Oh, my God. I love when they do this.

247
00:16:01,860 --> 00:16:05,260
It's a way of looking back at who you
were in 2025.

248
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:06,719
Steely Dan.

249
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:07,740
Yeah, that tracks.

250
00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:12,100
With shareable stats showing how you
compare to people around the world.

251
00:16:12,340 --> 00:16:15,160
I'm in Sabrina Carpenter's top 1%.
That's so neat.

252
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:19,540
Well, now there's another way to look
back at who you truly were this year.

253
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,380
Introducing Uber Eats Rap.

254
00:16:22,780 --> 00:16:23,780
Oh, no.

255
00:16:24,619 --> 00:16:28,520
No, thank you. He studied your patterns
and crunched the numbers.

256
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:32,660
Oh, no, I understood what it was. I just
don't like that, and I don't want that.

257
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:33,960
Well, we did it anyway.

258
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:37,360
Now you can find out which restaurants
you couldn't live without.

259
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,520
Taco Bell, Five Guys, Burger King,
Chipotle.

260
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:44,120
Guess that explains why the plumber's
always here. He's not always here.

261
00:16:44,660 --> 00:16:45,880
Toilet's all clear, killer.

262
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,080
Oh, thanks, man.

263
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:48,600
No, I got you, boo. No problem.

264
00:16:50,350 --> 00:16:55,210
And learn what food items had you in a
chokehold. Because I'm in the top 1 % of

265
00:16:55,210 --> 00:16:59,290
nuggets. What does that even mean? Take
a wild guess, David. What? That I eat

266
00:16:59,290 --> 00:17:03,210
more nuggets than 99 % of the world?
That can't be true. You're eating

267
00:17:03,210 --> 00:17:04,210
right now.

268
00:17:05,849 --> 00:17:11,010
And based on your order history, our
math wizards have determined your Uber

269
00:17:11,010 --> 00:17:15,810
age. My top food was churros, and my
Uber Eats age is dead. Better than mine.

270
00:17:16,109 --> 00:17:17,150
52 and fat.

271
00:17:17,609 --> 00:17:18,770
I don't know why they're that fast.

272
00:17:19,290 --> 00:17:23,150
I do. What woman in the world would like
what you just did?

273
00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:28,150
Are we not the only ones serving this
year? Check out all the looks you wore

274
00:17:28,150 --> 00:17:29,510
greet your Uber drivers.

275
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:32,150
Who would I even share these with?

276
00:17:32,430 --> 00:17:36,910
And we calculated exactly how much money
you spent on Uber Eats this year.

277
00:17:38,170 --> 00:17:39,650
$24 ,000.

278
00:17:40,330 --> 00:17:42,310
Give me one second.

279
00:17:44,170 --> 00:17:48,190
And check out personalized messages from
the restaurants that kept you fed.

280
00:17:48,410 --> 00:17:49,630
Thank you so much, Melissa.

281
00:17:49,890 --> 00:17:52,910
Because of you, we are the number one
Wendy's in the country.

282
00:17:53,450 --> 00:17:55,990
Oh, my God.

283
00:17:56,270 --> 00:17:57,990
A phone just hit me.

284
00:17:58,210 --> 00:17:59,650
It's Uber Eats wrapped.

285
00:17:59,910 --> 00:18:02,290
You have to tell people you're going to
do this.

286
00:18:02,550 --> 00:18:04,650
Are you out of your mind?

287
00:18:08,650 --> 00:18:11,630
All right, Mr. Coleman, thank you for
your patience.

288
00:18:11,870 --> 00:18:12,930
The doctor will see you now.

289
00:18:14,429 --> 00:18:15,429
Hello, patient.

290
00:18:18,070 --> 00:18:20,390
Apologies for the delay. I was delayed.

291
00:18:21,370 --> 00:18:24,590
Oh, um, hi. I have with me the results
of your blood work.

292
00:18:24,850 --> 00:18:26,210
Oh, okay. Is everything okay?

293
00:18:26,430 --> 00:18:27,730
To tell you is my greatest wish.

294
00:18:28,270 --> 00:18:32,230
But this is a teaching hospital, so my
intern who did your blood work will be

295
00:18:32,230 --> 00:18:33,230
giving you the results.

296
00:18:33,710 --> 00:18:34,950
Oh, okay. That's fine.

297
00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:36,269
Very good.

298
00:18:36,270 --> 00:18:37,270
Intern?

299
00:18:38,810 --> 00:18:39,810
Hello.

300
00:18:44,330 --> 00:18:48,110
What should I tell him? If it is his,
say no.

301
00:18:49,210 --> 00:18:51,970
No. Now please give the patient his
results.

302
00:18:52,910 --> 00:18:53,910
Okay.

303
00:18:54,690 --> 00:18:57,690
Your blood is good.

304
00:18:59,110 --> 00:19:00,130
Okay, that's a relief.

305
00:19:00,370 --> 00:19:04,210
Excellent job, intern. But are you sure
the blood is good?

306
00:19:04,790 --> 00:19:09,890
No. Then do not say it's good. And that
is the lesson for today.

307
00:19:10,210 --> 00:19:11,210
Goodbye.

308
00:19:13,450 --> 00:19:14,750
You didn't even give me my results.

309
00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:16,630
Good catch. That was a test.

310
00:19:17,670 --> 00:19:18,730
Or perhaps a quiz.

311
00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:20,970
No, quiz no. Now I'm hungry.

312
00:19:22,050 --> 00:19:24,770
What? Look, I just want to know if my
blood is okay.

313
00:19:25,690 --> 00:19:28,850
Doctor, you're at four o 'clock. It's
here? No, it's dead. Exactly how I left

314
00:19:28,850 --> 00:19:29,850
it.

315
00:19:30,010 --> 00:19:31,010
What?

316
00:19:31,150 --> 00:19:32,150
Are you serious?

317
00:19:32,670 --> 00:19:34,690
I am. And don't call me serious.

318
00:19:35,270 --> 00:19:37,310
My name is Shirley.

319
00:19:39,230 --> 00:19:42,010
Okay, Doctor, please. How did you know
my last name?

320
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:44,780
Your name is Dr.

321
00:19:44,980 --> 00:19:45,980
Please? Yeah.

322
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:47,039
He's Dr.

323
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:48,440
Please, and I'm Shirley Please.

324
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:51,020
Are you two related?

325
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:52,980
I hope not.

326
00:19:56,580 --> 00:20:00,280
Oh, my God. Look, can I please just get
my test results?

327
00:20:00,780 --> 00:20:05,860
I got a date tonight, and I need to know
if I have to, como se dice, disclose

328
00:20:05,860 --> 00:20:06,860
anything.

329
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,360
Of course. The patient is always right.

330
00:20:11,630 --> 00:20:14,110
I think the saying is the customer is
always right.

331
00:20:14,350 --> 00:20:17,370
Well, in a way, the patient is the
customer of a doctor.

332
00:20:17,630 --> 00:20:20,530
And a horse is the car for a cowboy.

333
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:22,470
That's a joke.

334
00:20:22,870 --> 00:20:24,410
Oh, how I love jokes.

335
00:20:24,690 --> 00:20:27,870
There's just something about them that
makes me laugh.

336
00:20:31,830 --> 00:20:36,750
You're not laughing. But I'm smiling.
And what is a smile but a laugh that

337
00:20:36,750 --> 00:20:37,790
hasn't been born yet?

338
00:20:39,110 --> 00:20:40,330
Start here at five o 'clock. Is dead?

339
00:20:40,630 --> 00:20:42,390
No, it's ugly. Then kill him. I'll try.

340
00:20:44,650 --> 00:20:48,910
Now, Shirley, give the patient his
results in plain English, please.

341
00:20:49,410 --> 00:20:52,930
Your blood is right, good mate. It's
proper fit, isn't it? But your sodium

342
00:20:52,930 --> 00:20:53,930
level's a bullet.

343
00:20:55,790 --> 00:20:58,790
So we're prescribing you all that and a
bag of chips.

344
00:20:59,890 --> 00:21:00,890
What is that?

345
00:21:01,070 --> 00:21:03,830
It's a VHS of classic episodes of all
that.

346
00:21:04,430 --> 00:21:08,030
Inside a bag of capes, cods, kettles,
cooks, crinkles, cups, crisps.

347
00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:12,000
They pair perfectly with lollitops.

348
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:14,420
What are lollitops?

349
00:21:15,220 --> 00:21:17,380
They're lollipops, but just the head.

350
00:21:17,860 --> 00:21:20,700
For when you want to suck on something
but not hold it.

351
00:21:21,940 --> 00:21:22,940
Doctor, your car.

352
00:21:23,020 --> 00:21:26,020
Was towed? No, it was found at the scene
of a crime. Exactly where I left it.

353
00:21:27,140 --> 00:21:29,900
Look, please just tell me my results
now.

354
00:21:30,340 --> 00:21:31,800
Fine. Be for yourself.

355
00:21:35,220 --> 00:21:36,620
This is your blood work.

356
00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:39,180
Who says you two are related?

357
00:21:39,860 --> 00:21:42,260
Well, guess we'll have to stop doing
this.

358
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:55,860
Next week, Ariana Grande with musical

359
00:21:55,860 --> 00:21:56,860
guests.

360
00:22:20,780 --> 00:22:24,740
my cozy little bachelorette weekend,
ladies. I know it's lame, but I just

361
00:22:24,740 --> 00:22:26,240
to do something chill with my girlies.

362
00:22:27,580 --> 00:22:32,160
Well, hopefully not too chill, because
what's a bachelorette weekend without

363
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:35,120
strippers? Oh, what?

364
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:39,000
No, I told you guys it's not that kind
of weekend. Strippers really aren't my

365
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,860
thing. Okay, don't worry.

366
00:22:41,100 --> 00:22:43,960
I got you a different kind of stripper.

367
00:22:44,220 --> 00:22:48,860
Strippers that are more your type. Okay,
ladies, meet...

368
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:50,480
Augie and Remington!

369
00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:58,480
Hi.

370
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:00,940
Do we have consent to enter your home?

371
00:23:02,260 --> 00:23:03,260
Sure.

372
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:09,420
Um, hi.

373
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:12,980
You are enough.

374
00:23:15,020 --> 00:23:16,060
Oh, my God!

375
00:23:17,100 --> 00:23:20,360
Before we get started, um, Mind if I
finish my book?

376
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:24,120
It's written by this brilliant woman of
color.

377
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:28,120
Um, Margaret, where did you find these
guys?

378
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,580
On a Sally Rooney message board.

379
00:23:31,340 --> 00:23:34,780
They're the most sensitive male
strippers in all the Catskills.

380
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:39,260
Okay, I hate to be the group horn dog,
but are they not going to strip?

381
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:41,840
Oh, they strip, boys.

382
00:23:57,390 --> 00:23:59,030
I think it's really working for her.

383
00:23:59,870 --> 00:24:03,490
You know, I think the president should
be Cynthia Erivo.

384
00:24:05,450 --> 00:24:06,630
God, you're perfect.

385
00:24:07,270 --> 00:24:09,390
Hey, I've never seen her like this.

386
00:24:09,990 --> 00:24:13,090
I'm still not turned on, y 'all. These
guys look like frog and toad.

387
00:24:13,890 --> 00:24:17,290
When are they going to drop Trow and
show that Ticonderoga pork pencil?

388
00:24:18,130 --> 00:24:19,190
Ew, Beth!

389
00:24:19,650 --> 00:24:21,990
Doll! I'm just saying, I want to see
some skin.

390
00:24:23,070 --> 00:24:24,510
Ask and you shall receive.

391
00:24:36,940 --> 00:24:38,800
wants them to throw ass in a cop outfit.

392
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:41,100
Throw ass!

393
00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:42,360
Throw ass!

394
00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,860
Wait, look. Now they're dancing.

395
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:49,400
Hey, you.

396
00:24:50,220 --> 00:24:52,740
Seems like they're just vibing with each
other.

397
00:24:55,060 --> 00:24:57,540
What if we... We shouldn't.

398
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:01,500
Unless... We can't.

399
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:04,680
Are they having a will -they -won't
-they?

400
00:25:11,850 --> 00:25:13,350
That's actually their specialty.

401
00:25:13,650 --> 00:25:14,650
Hit it, guys.

402
00:25:14,830 --> 00:25:15,830
Of course.

403
00:25:16,970 --> 00:25:17,970
Whoa.

404
00:25:20,170 --> 00:25:23,010
Was not expecting the double jeans.

405
00:25:23,530 --> 00:25:24,650
Come here, lady.

406
00:25:28,130 --> 00:25:29,130
Oh.

407
00:25:30,970 --> 00:25:31,970
Oh.

408
00:25:33,870 --> 00:25:34,870
Oh.

409
00:25:36,410 --> 00:25:38,530
You have to forgive yourself.

410
00:25:38,950 --> 00:25:39,950
Oh.

411
00:26:07,690 --> 00:26:09,150
What the hell is this?

412
00:26:10,030 --> 00:26:11,830
We don't want any problems, sir.

413
00:26:12,190 --> 00:26:13,710
Oh, yeah? Well, I do.

414
00:26:14,010 --> 00:26:16,350
Get over here, Fleet Foxen. Let's go.

415
00:27:10,700 --> 00:27:12,180
gentlemen, Lily Allen!

416
00:27:22,380 --> 00:27:29,000
You won't love me You won't leave me

417
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:33,420
You don't touch me

418
00:27:33,420 --> 00:27:36,640
Still don't

419
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:05,140
Of course I'm hurt, looking back it's so
absurd Of course I trusted you and took

420
00:28:05,140 --> 00:28:11,660
you at your word Who said romance isn't
dead? Been no romance since we wed

421
00:28:11,660 --> 00:28:16,280
Why aren't we... That's what you said,
but you...

422
00:28:29,420 --> 00:28:30,420
I'm done.

423
00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:50,140
It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and
Michael Che.

424
00:30:52,340 --> 00:30:52,860
Thank

425
00:30:52,860 --> 00:30:59,680
you.

426
00:30:59,740 --> 00:31:00,780
Good evening, everyone.

427
00:31:01,060 --> 00:31:03,360
Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael
Che. I'm Colin Jost.

428
00:31:05,660 --> 00:31:10,060
This week, President Trump led a rally
celebrating his handling of the economy,

429
00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:12,980
which for some reason he held at a
casino in the Poconos.

430
00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:17,020
It's just kind of weird to say the
future is brighter than ever. Isn't that

431
00:31:17,020 --> 00:31:19,780
right, woman on oxygen playing the
nickel slot?

432
00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:25,320
Trump's speech was supposed to focus on
the affordability crisis, but he drifted

433
00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:26,880
off topic just a little bit.

434
00:31:27,540 --> 00:31:31,660
They don't use the word cheapest death
anymore because of the Indians. Can you

435
00:31:31,660 --> 00:31:34,780
imagine if Donald Trump married his
sister?

436
00:31:35,060 --> 00:31:37,900
Do we love minors? I love minors. What?
Don't forget.

437
00:31:38,620 --> 00:31:39,620
Eggs.

438
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:47,460
I love that the president lost his train
of thought and someone in the crowd had

439
00:31:47,460 --> 00:31:49,520
to remind him his train of thought was
eggs.

440
00:31:50,660 --> 00:31:51,660
Sorry, eggs!

441
00:31:52,620 --> 00:31:56,460
As you can see from the sign behind him,
the theme of the rally was lower

442
00:31:56,460 --> 00:32:00,460
prices, bigger paychecks, which was much
better than his original economic

443
00:32:00,460 --> 00:32:03,220
message, not my fault, sell your blood.

444
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:09,220
This week, President Trump claimed that
affordability is a new word made up by

445
00:32:09,220 --> 00:32:10,640
Democrats to hurt him.

446
00:32:10,940 --> 00:32:14,960
But if Democrats really wanted to make
up a word specifically to hurt Trump, it

447
00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:16,440
would probably be fat mincha.

448
00:32:19,380 --> 00:32:23,940
President Trump also complained about
immigrants from countries like Haiti and

449
00:32:23,940 --> 00:32:26,880
asked, why can't we have some people
from Norway instead?

450
00:32:27,100 --> 00:32:31,680
Or how about someone who's Norwegian and
Haitian, like Times Square Elsa?

451
00:32:36,300 --> 00:32:39,960
The Department of Homeland Security
posted an image of immigration officers

452
00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:43,420
Santa hats with a caption, You're going
ho -ho -home.

453
00:32:43,860 --> 00:32:46,600
Even worse, Santa retweeted it.

454
00:32:51,060 --> 00:32:56,540
DHS Secretary Kristi Noem testified
before Congress where protesters

455
00:32:56,540 --> 00:33:02,720
her by shouting the line, The power of
Christ compels you from the exorcist.

456
00:33:03,050 --> 00:33:06,630
Noam mostly ignored them, but did take
one quick look back.

457
00:33:10,790 --> 00:33:15,110
Last week, President Trump hosted
multiple events at the Kennedy Center,

458
00:33:15,210 --> 00:33:20,490
including an awards ceremony for
Sylvester Stallone, Gloria Gaynor, and

459
00:33:20,490 --> 00:33:25,790
band KISS, as well as a musical
performance by the Village People, which

460
00:33:25,790 --> 00:33:29,270
the question, is Donald Trump a gay man
from 1978?

461
00:33:33,100 --> 00:33:37,060
President Trump said that Venezuelan
President Nicolas Maduro's days are

462
00:33:37,060 --> 00:33:40,520
numbered, as opposed to Trump, whose
days are lettered.

463
00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:48,900
Trump also said that the proposed merger
between Netflix and Warner Brothers

464
00:33:48,900 --> 00:33:52,120
Discovery could be a problem, adding,
bribe!

465
00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:59,440
In response, Netflix is offering Trump
one night with the Demon Hunters.

466
00:34:02,470 --> 00:34:07,470
The Archdiocese of New York announced
that it will set up a $300 million fund

467
00:34:07,470 --> 00:34:11,909
for victims of sex abuse. The church
encourages victims to claim the money by

468
00:34:11,909 --> 00:34:13,570
sticking their hand in this here hole.

469
00:34:19,989 --> 00:34:21,190
Okay, okay.

470
00:34:21,929 --> 00:34:26,889
Health officials are reporting a surge
in winter vomiting disease, which is

471
00:34:26,889 --> 00:34:28,409
better known as SantaCon.

472
00:34:32,650 --> 00:34:36,889
I know this crowd's been there. The
holidays are right around the corner.

473
00:34:36,889 --> 00:34:40,110
of us will be traveling home to see our
families. Here to comment is our very

474
00:34:40,110 --> 00:34:41,130
own Marcelo Hernandez.

475
00:34:42,469 --> 00:34:43,469
Hello.

476
00:34:44,010 --> 00:34:45,010
Hello, everyone.

477
00:34:45,310 --> 00:34:46,310
How are you both?

478
00:34:46,510 --> 00:34:49,929
I'm great. I'm great. Are you excited
for Christmas, Marcelo? Yes. I love

479
00:34:49,929 --> 00:34:53,770
Christmas, man. I can't wait to see the
family. I can't wait to meet the new

480
00:34:53,770 --> 00:34:58,270
boyfriends. Christmas is the time when
someone brings a new boyfriend and he

481
00:34:58,270 --> 00:35:00,810
spends the whole night pretending to be
someone he's not.

482
00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:03,900
The guy's like, I love the food, Mrs.
Hernandez.

483
00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:05,160
It's delicious.

484
00:35:05,500 --> 00:35:09,020
You don't like the food, Kyle. You like
having sex with my cousin.

485
00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:18,680
And in my family, there's always an
uncle who's big on giving unsolicited

486
00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:21,340
advice, you know? He's like, hey, you,
come here.

487
00:35:21,860 --> 00:35:24,780
Next time you go to the nipple, bite it
a little bit.

488
00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:28,120
And you're like, I'm 11, man.

489
00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:37,680
a little.

490
00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:40,560
That was me when I was 11.

491
00:35:41,720 --> 00:35:44,840
So what kind of kid were you?

492
00:35:45,060 --> 00:35:46,400
The bad kind, Colin.

493
00:35:46,980 --> 00:35:51,580
I used to behave so bad that Santa Claus
used to call me in the summer.

494
00:35:52,300 --> 00:35:57,280
My mom hands me the phone and St.
Nicholas himself is like, hey Marcelo,

495
00:35:57,280 --> 00:35:58,940
ho, it's me, Santa Claus.

496
00:35:59,960 --> 00:36:03,300
If you don't behave, I'm going to skip
your house.

497
00:36:03,790 --> 00:36:05,870
And I'd be like, I'm sorry, Santa. I'll
behave.

498
00:36:06,130 --> 00:36:13,030
And he'd be like, Me and my dog,
Rudolph, love you very much.

499
00:36:14,850 --> 00:36:15,910
That's actually sweet.

500
00:36:16,110 --> 00:36:18,270
Yeah. A lot of people used to call me,
Colin.

501
00:36:18,550 --> 00:36:22,770
Spider -Man used to call me. Spider
-Man. Yes. And he'd be like, Hey,

502
00:36:22,770 --> 00:36:25,330
it's me, your neighborhood friend,
Spider -Man.

503
00:36:26,970 --> 00:36:31,030
And I'm calling you because your mother
telling me that you are climbing on the

504
00:36:31,030 --> 00:36:36,630
walls. You cannot do that. but only I
can do that because I was beaten by a

505
00:36:36,630 --> 00:36:37,990
radioactive spider.

506
00:36:39,850 --> 00:36:44,310
Así que póntate bien. Me and my brother
Superman love you very much.

507
00:36:45,670 --> 00:36:47,750
I'm not sure that was actually Superman.

508
00:36:48,110 --> 00:36:51,710
You know, I actually still get a lot of
these calls. Listen to this voicemail

509
00:36:51,710 --> 00:36:53,190
that Lorne left me. Whoa.

510
00:36:53,550 --> 00:36:56,270
Hey, Marcelo, it's me, your boss, Lorne
Michaels.

511
00:36:56,610 --> 00:36:59,770
Me estoy llamando porque tu mamá me está
diciendo que tú no estás pasando mucho

512
00:36:59,770 --> 00:37:03,070
tiempo con ella. Me and my brother. Give
me follow.

513
00:37:03,450 --> 00:37:04,630
Love you very much.

514
00:37:06,290 --> 00:37:07,290
His brother?

515
00:37:07,790 --> 00:37:10,990
All right, well, let's go back to the
holidays, okay? I'm assuming you have,

516
00:37:11,070 --> 00:37:12,390
like, a big Latin Christmas.

517
00:37:15,690 --> 00:37:16,790
Don't do that, Colin.

518
00:37:17,750 --> 00:37:19,190
But, yes, I do.

519
00:37:19,790 --> 00:37:24,330
We eat pork, we dance, and at the end of
the night, my Cuban mom is like, you

520
00:37:24,330 --> 00:37:26,490
know what I want for Christmas? A
grandchild.

521
00:37:26,930 --> 00:37:29,770
But you won't give it to me because you
hate me.

522
00:37:30,470 --> 00:37:31,470
Oh, my God.

523
00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:35,700
Are there any Christmas movies that you
guys watch? Yes. We used to always watch

524
00:37:35,700 --> 00:37:36,359
Home Alone.

525
00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:39,200
And as a Latino kid, that movie was
unbelievable.

526
00:37:39,580 --> 00:37:44,140
Because this kid misses the plane,
destroys the house, and ruins the

527
00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:48,200
And somehow, this movie doesn't end in a
historic ass beating.

528
00:37:50,380 --> 00:37:53,440
In the first scene, the mom is like, go
to your room, Kevin.

529
00:37:53,660 --> 00:37:55,060
And he goes, shut up, mom.

530
00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:59,360
And I'm like, if that was me, that's
where the movie ends.

531
00:38:00,380 --> 00:38:04,740
Roll the credits in memory of Marcelo
Hernandez.

532
00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:07,760
Marcelo Hernandez, everyone. Marcelo
Hernandez.

533
00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:17,320
It's Spider -Man. I like that.

534
00:38:17,660 --> 00:38:21,880
According to a new report, people in
Long Island spend more money on OnlyFans

535
00:38:21,880 --> 00:38:24,420
than some entire Eastern European
nation.

536
00:38:25,140 --> 00:38:29,320
Because Eastern Europeans are too busy
working on OnlyFans.

537
00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:35,400
The Golden Globe nominations were
announced with the most nominations

538
00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:39,880
the movie One Battle After Another.
Andy, very exciting. And the least

539
00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:43,900
nominations going to Michael Chase. Hold
up. Madea got a daughter?

540
00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:55,860
A video has gone viral of a runaway
horse in New York City galloping down a

541
00:38:55,860 --> 00:38:57,700
highway near JFK Airport.

542
00:38:58,040 --> 00:38:59,960
And good news, he made his flight.

543
00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:05,780
I thought you'd like that more.

544
00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:12,020
A photo has gone viral of a group of
eight students from San Jose forming a

545
00:39:12,020 --> 00:39:16,680
human swastika while laying on their
high school's football field. Even

546
00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:19,300
it was the result of a skydiving
accident.

547
00:39:23,660 --> 00:39:25,040
I knew you wouldn't like that one.

548
00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:31,860
Police in Florida arrested two men and a
woman. Good luck guessing which is

549
00:39:31,860 --> 00:39:32,860
which.

550
00:39:34,980 --> 00:39:40,240
After they were discovered having
drunken sex in a Winn -Dixie parking

551
00:39:40,240 --> 00:39:43,800
trio was immediately transported to a
Waffle House parking lot.

552
00:39:46,060 --> 00:39:50,940
A new bill has been proposed in Congress
that would require fathers to pay 50 %

553
00:39:50,940 --> 00:39:54,320
of medical expenses for a woman's
pregnancy and delivery.

554
00:39:54,780 --> 00:39:56,660
Fine, but then I'm out.

555
00:40:00,900 --> 00:40:04,760
Pantone announced that their color of
the year is cloud dancer, which they

556
00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:10,300
a billowy, balanced white imbued with a
feeling of serenity, a description they

557
00:40:10,300 --> 00:40:12,440
stole from my old Bumble profile.

558
00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:22,180
Well, there are many theories about how
society as we know it could end. Here

559
00:40:22,180 --> 00:40:25,620
with a stern warning about the future is
our own Jane Wickline.

560
00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:28,800
Hello.

561
00:40:30,100 --> 00:40:32,320
Thanks for having me. Hi, Jane.

562
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:36,380
So we don't have much time left as a
species, so I'm just going to get right

563
00:40:36,380 --> 00:40:37,379
into my song.

564
00:40:37,380 --> 00:40:40,160
Oh, well, if we don't have that much
time, maybe we shouldn't do a whole

565
00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:43,700
This is called The Greatest Threat to
Humanity Right Now. Great.

566
00:40:45,710 --> 00:40:49,550
We're programming monsters. We will lose
control of soon.

567
00:40:50,150 --> 00:40:53,850
They're taking every job and
singularities approaching.

568
00:40:55,150 --> 00:40:58,850
When they get smarter than us, will they
be our doom?

569
00:40:59,710 --> 00:41:02,770
I think we all know the topic I am
broaching.

570
00:41:03,890 --> 00:41:08,330
We don't have much time left to stop
them. We must kill them while they're

571
00:41:08,330 --> 00:41:09,330
weak.

572
00:41:10,250 --> 00:41:13,250
The child actors from Stranger Things.

573
00:41:14,290 --> 00:41:15,290
What?

574
00:41:23,310 --> 00:41:24,109
Stranger Things.

575
00:41:24,110 --> 00:41:26,270
I really thought you were talking about
AI.

576
00:41:26,670 --> 00:41:28,870
AI is just a distraction.

577
00:41:29,090 --> 00:41:31,470
The real threat here is Sadie's thing.

578
00:41:32,270 --> 00:41:35,390
And her child co -stars on Stranger
Things.

579
00:41:36,950 --> 00:41:38,470
Stranger Things is ending.

580
00:41:38,830 --> 00:41:40,770
They'll have so much free time.

581
00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:47,060
What if they grow self -aware? We need
to keep them occupied. They could

582
00:41:47,060 --> 00:41:48,060
mobilize their followers.

583
00:41:48,260 --> 00:41:51,160
60 million followers. We need to keep
them occupied.

584
00:41:51,900 --> 00:41:54,740
I just don't understand what you think
the danger is.

585
00:41:55,440 --> 00:42:00,220
The stranger thinks kids use a cubic
mile of water every minute.

586
00:42:01,820 --> 00:42:05,540
If there's a hell gate and Maserato
belongs in it. Oh, my God.

587
00:42:06,340 --> 00:42:10,360
They're slashing the environment and
killing the economy.

588
00:42:12,460 --> 00:42:13,640
is the devil to me.

589
00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:15,680
He's the devil?

590
00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:20,020
The six of them are in the room right
now, preparing to seize the next

591
00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:23,740
And for these reasons, I stand with
Vecna.

592
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:29,200
Vecna? Jay, these kids are harmless. All
they do is, like, go on hot ones.

593
00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:31,860
Colin, things that start funny can get
important.

594
00:42:32,260 --> 00:42:35,480
Joe Rogan used to make people eat bugs,
and now he's the president of the United

595
00:42:35,480 --> 00:42:36,480
States.

596
00:42:37,990 --> 00:42:42,770
Everyone's focused on stranger things
And they're ignoring the stranger thing

597
00:42:42,770 --> 00:42:46,330
the strangers on the internet Thinking
those six strange kids aren't a danger

598
00:42:46,330 --> 00:42:47,370
But they are the danger

599
00:42:48,460 --> 00:42:51,780
strange from the truth, but I have a
plan. I'll tie some cheese to a string,

600
00:42:51,780 --> 00:42:56,340
a stick under a box, pick another cat's
stick. Strange kids, I'll be a hero. I

601
00:42:56,340 --> 00:42:57,440
will win an award.

602
00:42:57,660 --> 00:42:59,060
You stop the apocalypse.

603
00:42:59,440 --> 00:43:03,480
President Chatbot will beam at me. I
shall scramble the brains of the six

604
00:43:03,480 --> 00:43:07,900
strange kids and make them join the cast
of Allspan.

605
00:43:09,400 --> 00:43:10,800
Jane Wickline, everybody.

606
00:43:11,680 --> 00:43:15,040
We cannot get out of this.

607
00:43:15,580 --> 00:43:16,580
I'm on the train.

608
00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:17,680
Good night.

609
00:43:18,780 --> 00:43:19,260
To

610
00:43:19,260 --> 00:43:40,420
celebrate

611
00:43:40,420 --> 00:43:41,920
the success of Wicked for Good.

612
00:43:42,250 --> 00:43:45,950
Universal Pictures is releasing this
special deleted footage from a movie

613
00:43:45,950 --> 00:43:49,630
started it all. 1939, The Wizard of Oz.

614
00:43:53,090 --> 00:43:54,230
We're here.

615
00:43:55,190 --> 00:43:57,010
I'm scared, Dorothy.

616
00:43:59,930 --> 00:44:05,550
I am Oz, the great and powerful.

617
00:44:06,010 --> 00:44:07,870
Who are you?

618
00:44:13,420 --> 00:44:16,880
and white, and we come to ask... Shut
the hell up, girl!

619
00:44:17,800 --> 00:44:22,340
The great and powerful Oz knows exactly
why you've come.

620
00:44:22,820 --> 00:44:25,260
Step forward, king man.

621
00:44:26,420 --> 00:44:30,260
You dare to ask me for a heart?

622
00:44:30,740 --> 00:44:36,740
Um, yes, sir. You see, if I could
love... Shut your trap, you hunk of

623
00:44:38,340 --> 00:44:43,330
And you, scarecrow, You dare to ask me
for a braid?

624
00:44:44,450 --> 00:44:46,370
Yes, your honor. Please.

625
00:44:46,730 --> 00:44:47,970
You stupid dumbass.

626
00:44:49,030 --> 00:44:53,070
And you, is that lion I see?

627
00:44:53,510 --> 00:44:54,510
Oh, no.

628
00:44:54,650 --> 00:44:55,950
Dorothy, hide me.

629
00:44:56,570 --> 00:44:59,470
I bet I already know what you want.

630
00:45:00,310 --> 00:45:02,890
Well, you don't have to say it out loud.

631
00:45:03,350 --> 00:45:04,750
Oh, it's okay, lion.

632
00:45:05,170 --> 00:45:08,650
This pathetic bag of fur came all...

633
00:45:09,770 --> 00:45:13,610
just to ask me for a big old thing.

634
00:45:15,910 --> 00:45:17,490
A big old thing?

635
00:45:18,470 --> 00:45:21,450
Oh, Mr. Oz, you got that all wrong.

636
00:45:22,110 --> 00:45:23,110
Yeah.

637
00:45:25,850 --> 00:45:29,950
My friend Lion is only looking for some
courage.

638
00:45:31,010 --> 00:45:34,430
Courage? Is that what he told you? Yeah,
right.

639
00:45:34,730 --> 00:45:37,730
This psycho is looking for, and I quote,

640
00:45:38,460 --> 00:45:41,820
A big old thing long enough to see from
space.

641
00:45:43,500 --> 00:45:45,020
What's he talking about, Wyatt?

642
00:45:45,240 --> 00:45:48,100
Oh, I don't know. Maybe he's messing me
up with somebody.

643
00:45:48,380 --> 00:45:50,420
I got all his letters right here.

644
00:45:50,720 --> 00:45:56,060
He's been writing me for months. This
one says, Dear Mr. Oz, It's your boy,

645
00:45:56,160 --> 00:45:57,158
Lion, again.

646
00:45:57,160 --> 00:46:01,720
And I really think you should bless me
with a big old thing that I can drag

647
00:46:01,720 --> 00:46:04,500
across the stand and spell my name.

648
00:46:05,720 --> 00:46:06,720
Jesus, man.

649
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:08,000
Or this one.

650
00:46:08,320 --> 00:46:11,340
Hey, Oz, it's me, a sick little girl.

651
00:46:11,560 --> 00:46:18,560
And my last dying wish is for my friend
Lion to have a thing so big Munchkin can

652
00:46:18,560 --> 00:46:20,340
use it for a pull -up bar.

653
00:46:21,400 --> 00:46:22,400
Sincerely, Lion.

654
00:46:22,980 --> 00:46:24,520
What does that even mean?

655
00:46:26,620 --> 00:46:27,900
Oh, my God!

656
00:46:28,300 --> 00:46:29,780
We should ask for that!

657
00:46:46,240 --> 00:46:49,620
condition. It's called half the smallest
thing in Oz.

658
00:46:50,380 --> 00:46:51,760
How small could it be?

659
00:46:52,020 --> 00:46:57,540
Well, I'm standing here butt naked this
whole time and nobody's freaked out

660
00:46:57,540 --> 00:46:59,820
once. You ain't even got to blur it or
nothing.

661
00:47:00,300 --> 00:47:02,240
Wow, I guess we hadn't noticed.

662
00:47:02,560 --> 00:47:07,460
Exactly. You see, I need this Mr. Oz so
that I can finally walk back to my

663
00:47:07,460 --> 00:47:11,760
jungle with my head held high and my big
old thing swinging like a church bell.

664
00:47:13,020 --> 00:47:17,480
Why wouldn't you just tell us that
that's what you really want? Because I'm

665
00:47:17,480 --> 00:47:18,640
coward, duh.

666
00:47:19,340 --> 00:47:22,360
I didn't know he was going to say it all
loud in front of everybody.

667
00:47:22,760 --> 00:47:26,760
Oh, please. You've been here like eight
times, man.

668
00:47:27,220 --> 00:47:29,960
I'm asking for the same thing. You know
how this goes.

669
00:47:30,480 --> 00:47:32,300
You've been here eight times?

670
00:47:32,720 --> 00:47:33,820
Silence! Enough!

671
00:47:34,980 --> 00:47:36,240
No need to argue.

672
00:47:36,560 --> 00:47:42,400
The Beneficent Oz has every intention of
granting all of you your request.

673
00:47:43,120 --> 00:47:44,560
For real? Really?

674
00:47:45,070 --> 00:47:49,270
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you. Yes, but first, all you have

675
00:47:49,270 --> 00:47:52,110
do... Permission to change minds, sir?

676
00:47:52,610 --> 00:47:53,610
What?

677
00:47:54,090 --> 00:47:58,230
Permission to change my wish from brains
to a big old thing, too, sir?

678
00:47:58,850 --> 00:48:03,670
I may not be very smart, but I know I
want a big old broomstick that can fit

679
00:48:03,670 --> 00:48:04,670
three witches.

680
00:48:05,510 --> 00:48:09,910
But, Scarecrow, wouldn't you rather have
a brain so you could read books and

681
00:48:09,910 --> 00:48:10,970
count numbers?

682
00:48:11,550 --> 00:48:12,550
No.

683
00:48:15,290 --> 00:48:16,290
Look at me.

684
00:48:16,950 --> 00:48:17,950
No!

685
00:48:19,610 --> 00:48:21,650
I'd like to change mine, too, sir.

686
00:48:22,090 --> 00:48:24,510
But Tin Man, what about your heart?

687
00:48:24,990 --> 00:48:29,670
Well, of course, I still need a heart so
I can pump enough blood to that new big

688
00:48:29,670 --> 00:48:31,630
ol' Wimba and Yamalae, right, sir?

689
00:48:34,130 --> 00:48:37,230
Find the three big ol' things it is.

690
00:48:38,050 --> 00:48:40,150
And that's for you, darling.

691
00:48:44,720 --> 00:48:46,640
Tell me the dog wants a big ol' thang
too.

692
00:48:55,460 --> 00:49:01,060
But seriously, I need you all to murder
a lady for me.

693
00:49:18,160 --> 00:49:19,160
Okay, great, great, great.

694
00:49:19,480 --> 00:49:19,840
Thanks

695
00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:31,820
for

696
00:49:31,820 --> 00:49:34,860
coming to get a Christmas tree with me,
bud.

697
00:49:35,480 --> 00:49:36,480
You're welcome.

698
00:49:36,940 --> 00:49:38,540
Hey, what's wrong, kiddo?

699
00:49:39,080 --> 00:49:41,160
I wish I got to see you on Christmas.

700
00:49:41,860 --> 00:49:44,000
I know, buddy, but it's your mom's year.

701
00:49:44,220 --> 00:49:45,920
And hey, I'll see you the week after.

702
00:49:46,440 --> 00:49:50,340
And you know the best thing about
Christmas, kiddo, it's about... Hey,

703
00:49:50,340 --> 00:49:52,520
piece of... I'll kill you. I got a kid
in the car.

704
00:49:53,940 --> 00:49:55,320
I spilled my prime.

705
00:49:56,640 --> 00:49:58,480
All right, bud, let's find a tree.

706
00:49:59,580 --> 00:50:01,160
Grab your jacket, Brad. It's cold.

707
00:50:01,660 --> 00:50:03,220
I'm fine. I'm not cold.

708
00:50:05,160 --> 00:50:06,440
Dad, I'm cold.

709
00:50:08,040 --> 00:50:09,040
Yeah, you're good, bud.

710
00:50:09,880 --> 00:50:13,920
Oh, yeah, this is primo fine right here.
Yep, this is the one.

711
00:50:14,220 --> 00:50:15,220
Hey, Brad.

712
00:50:15,390 --> 00:50:16,390
You want to do the honors?

713
00:50:16,590 --> 00:50:17,690
Really? Yeah.

714
00:50:21,230 --> 00:50:22,270
I can't.

715
00:50:23,270 --> 00:50:24,330
How's it going down there?

716
00:50:24,610 --> 00:50:29,090
I can't get it. Yeah, try to keep it in
one, try to make one cut.

717
00:50:29,510 --> 00:50:34,110
Because of the sap, it's aching. It's
hard to hold this off.

718
00:50:35,070 --> 00:50:36,790
You know what, buddy? Why don't I tag in
here?

719
00:50:39,650 --> 00:50:40,650
Who's that, bud?

720
00:50:41,110 --> 00:50:44,010
That's Emily, the prettiest girl in my
class.

721
00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:49,700
Okay. Should I go riz her up?

722
00:50:49,940 --> 00:50:51,600
Yeah, bud. Do your thing.

723
00:50:51,800 --> 00:50:54,000
Go riz her down, too.

724
00:50:54,980 --> 00:50:55,980
Hey, Emily.

725
00:50:56,260 --> 00:50:57,260
Hi, Brad.

726
00:51:01,680 --> 00:51:03,140
Look, it's fine.

727
00:51:05,100 --> 00:51:06,240
Six, seven.

728
00:51:08,760 --> 00:51:10,160
Love six, seven.

729
00:51:12,840 --> 00:51:13,840
Okay, bye.

730
00:51:16,330 --> 00:51:17,229
Hey, Dad.

731
00:51:17,230 --> 00:51:18,169
I'm back.

732
00:51:18,170 --> 00:51:19,170
Oh!

733
00:51:19,190 --> 00:51:20,190
Buddy, are you okay?

734
00:51:20,750 --> 00:51:21,750
I'm fine.

735
00:51:22,530 --> 00:51:24,310
All right, mission accomplished.

736
00:51:24,930 --> 00:51:25,930
Ooh, Brad, look.

737
00:51:26,170 --> 00:51:28,070
There's your girl. Here, I'll honk. You
wait.

738
00:51:28,370 --> 00:51:30,290
Don't, Dad. You'll embarrass me.

739
00:51:30,690 --> 00:51:31,750
Oh, come on.

740
00:51:32,110 --> 00:51:33,710
Hey, Merry Christmas!

741
00:51:36,170 --> 00:51:37,270
Oh, fantastic!

742
00:51:51,150 --> 00:51:52,129
Guess what?

743
00:51:52,130 --> 00:51:56,710
Oh, all right. Let's turn the volume
down a little bit. Dad had a couple

744
00:51:56,710 --> 00:52:01,050
at Sharky's last night. Oh, sorry. Aunt
Shannon has diarrhea, so we're not going

745
00:52:01,050 --> 00:52:03,950
there anymore, and Mom said that I could
come to your house today.

746
00:52:04,950 --> 00:52:07,750
Really? Well, that's a Christmas
miracle.

747
00:52:08,090 --> 00:52:09,310
Merry Christmas, Dad.

748
00:52:09,730 --> 00:52:10,870
Merry Christmas, son.

749
00:52:14,110 --> 00:52:15,110
Sorry.

750
00:52:15,550 --> 00:52:16,710
You got to go.

751
00:52:16,950 --> 00:52:18,090
My kid's coming over.

752
00:52:18,570 --> 00:52:20,030
Oh, my God. Do you have a kid?

753
00:52:34,940 --> 00:52:36,940
This final is going to be brutal.

754
00:52:37,420 --> 00:52:39,100
Professor Hamner is notorious.

755
00:52:39,940 --> 00:52:41,480
Do we want to share our notes?

756
00:52:41,780 --> 00:52:44,900
You guys can. I didn't take any, because
I knew it already.

757
00:52:45,420 --> 00:52:47,300
Simon, dude, you are unreal.

758
00:52:47,600 --> 00:52:49,960
I can't believe you're in college and
you're only 12.

759
00:52:50,859 --> 00:52:54,300
It's chill. I'm just like you guys. Work
hard, play hard.

760
00:52:54,580 --> 00:52:55,980
No, you're way smarter.

761
00:52:56,480 --> 00:52:57,860
Yeah, you could basically be our
professor.

762
00:52:58,560 --> 00:52:59,600
Probably will be soon.

763
00:52:59,800 --> 00:53:01,200
If I stay in academia.

764
00:53:01,520 --> 00:53:03,100
That is so badass.

765
00:53:03,360 --> 00:53:04,360
Oh, sorry.

766
00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:07,620
Is it okay if we swear in front of you?
Of course you effing can.

767
00:53:08,640 --> 00:53:11,200
I've heard it all. Anyway, I'm here if
you guys have questions.

768
00:53:11,540 --> 00:53:12,860
Sorry, not if. When?

769
00:53:14,240 --> 00:53:17,180
Hey, hon. Hope your study group's going
okay. I brought your lunch. Heather!

770
00:53:17,420 --> 00:53:18,420
Get out of here, Heather!

771
00:53:26,160 --> 00:53:27,058
Paper strawberry.

772
00:53:27,060 --> 00:53:27,919
Leave it.

773
00:53:27,920 --> 00:53:28,920
Okay. Thank you.

774
00:53:32,300 --> 00:53:34,940
So, where are we going for spring break?

775
00:53:35,980 --> 00:53:37,300
Simon, are you okay?

776
00:53:37,740 --> 00:53:40,600
Yeah, defo. If we do Miami, we can get
there by train.

777
00:53:41,040 --> 00:53:43,060
Um, was that your mom?

778
00:53:43,860 --> 00:53:45,200
What? No.

779
00:53:45,400 --> 00:53:46,400
That'd be weird.

780
00:53:46,540 --> 00:53:50,080
I'm just like you guys. I live in the
dorm. I have a roommate.

781
00:53:50,280 --> 00:53:51,360
I shower in my shoes.

782
00:53:51,620 --> 00:53:52,620
My balls are happening.

783
00:53:53,880 --> 00:53:55,960
Oh, um, who's your roommate?

784
00:53:57,020 --> 00:53:58,820
random older women they paired me with.

785
00:53:59,400 --> 00:54:00,980
Is it your mom?

786
00:54:01,960 --> 00:54:03,460
I don't think so.

787
00:54:04,440 --> 00:54:06,620
Hey, Simon, honey, you forgot your
jacket for later.

788
00:54:06,880 --> 00:54:07,880
Heather, no, Heather!

789
00:54:08,180 --> 00:54:11,000
Oh, come on. I mean, it's cold outside.

790
00:54:11,260 --> 00:54:13,060
We're indoors, Heather. Take a forecast,
Heather.

791
00:54:13,340 --> 00:54:16,820
And say, Heather, leave it. Okay. Thank
you.

792
00:54:20,040 --> 00:54:22,440
And you're sure that's not your mom?

793
00:54:22,920 --> 00:54:24,780
Nope. It's just a girl I'm dating.

794
00:54:26,640 --> 00:54:29,900
Okay. But I might end it, because I want
to be single for Miami.

795
00:54:30,600 --> 00:54:33,420
Speaking of, what's the tea? Who's
hooking up with who?

796
00:54:33,920 --> 00:54:38,180
I don't know if we feel comfortable
talking about that. It's cool. I've done

797
00:54:38,180 --> 00:54:39,700
all. I know how it works.

798
00:54:40,060 --> 00:54:44,020
One time, this old Ukrainian lady was
teaching me Rachmaninoff on the violin,

799
00:54:44,320 --> 00:54:46,580
and I could feel her big old breast
against my back.

800
00:54:48,020 --> 00:54:49,080
That's awesome, man.

801
00:54:50,780 --> 00:54:54,600
Anyway, if you guys need my help, I need
an awesome study guide that...

802
00:54:54,880 --> 00:54:56,760
Oh, shoot, I think I left it back in my
dorm.

803
00:54:57,640 --> 00:55:00,360
Hey, Simon, I actually have your study
guide here. Heather, you can't just do

804
00:55:00,360 --> 00:55:04,260
that! How dare you anticipate my needs
and the needs of others, Heather!

805
00:55:04,540 --> 00:55:06,380
You have done yourself, Heather!

806
00:55:06,680 --> 00:55:08,500
Thank you! You're welcome, you really
saved the day!

807
00:55:08,800 --> 00:55:11,100
Will you please call me mom? No,
Heather, you're my peer, Heather!

808
00:55:11,540 --> 00:55:13,620
Fine! I'm trying to hook up with this
girl, Heather!

809
00:55:13,880 --> 00:55:15,520
I can tell she's down, Heather!

810
00:55:16,140 --> 00:55:18,100
She's attainable, she's not too pretty,
Heather!

811
00:55:18,300 --> 00:55:19,300
I can see that, Simon!

812
00:55:19,580 --> 00:55:22,380
But you can't date adults!

813
00:55:26,670 --> 00:55:28,570
yank you right out. Don't! But I can!

814
00:55:28,910 --> 00:55:30,210
Where will I go, Heather? On the street?

815
00:55:30,470 --> 00:55:33,890
No! I can't end up like that, folding
shirts at a Navy like Dad.

816
00:55:34,310 --> 00:55:35,310
I know!

817
00:55:35,330 --> 00:55:36,330
Okay!

818
00:55:39,410 --> 00:55:40,430
Sorry about that.

819
00:55:40,710 --> 00:55:43,370
By the way, she's definitely not coming
to Miami.

820
00:55:43,810 --> 00:55:45,530
We're not going to Miami.

821
00:55:46,230 --> 00:55:49,990
It's okay, Simon. That's obviously your
mom. You don't have to be embarrassed.

822
00:55:50,410 --> 00:55:52,050
Yeah, we all know what moms are like.

823
00:55:52,510 --> 00:55:55,070
Yours does seem pretty overbearing.
What?

824
00:56:06,890 --> 00:56:08,350
I actually have two gay moms.

825
00:56:08,730 --> 00:56:10,970
What? How would that work? Two others?

826
00:56:11,190 --> 00:56:12,210
You must be so loved.

827
00:56:13,470 --> 00:56:17,410
Look, Simon, I totally get it. You
wouldn't know because she kept her

828
00:56:17,410 --> 00:56:19,910
name, but Professor Hamner is actually
my mom.

829
00:56:20,410 --> 00:56:23,030
We're good now, but it took a little
while to get used to.

830
00:57:12,040 --> 00:57:13,040
Lily Allen!

831
00:57:13,460 --> 00:57:14,340
Lily

832
00:57:14,340 --> 00:57:40,000
Allen!

833
00:57:39,850 --> 00:57:41,630
Is it just sex or is there emotion?

834
00:57:41,850 --> 00:57:45,830
He told me it was staying in hotel
rooms, never be out in the open Why

835
00:57:45,830 --> 00:57:48,070
trust anything that comes out of his
mouth?

836
00:57:48,790 --> 00:57:51,890
Oh, why would I trust anything that
comes out of his mouth?

837
00:57:54,330 --> 00:58:00,270
We had an arrangement Be discreet and
don't be blatant

838
00:58:00,270 --> 00:58:07,150
And there had to be payment It had to be

839
00:58:07,150 --> 00:58:08,150
with strangers

840
00:58:11,150 --> 00:58:14,330
But you're not a stranger, Madeline.

841
00:58:15,150 --> 00:58:19,930
Hey, he is telling you the truth. Our
relationship has only ever been about

842
00:58:20,090 --> 00:58:22,510
I can promise you that this is not an
emotional connection.

843
00:58:22,970 --> 00:58:25,330
We don't speak outside of the time we
spend together.

844
00:58:25,610 --> 00:58:28,650
And whenever he talks about you, it's
with the utmost respect.

845
00:58:29,090 --> 00:58:32,990
You tell me he's telling the truth. Is
that the case or a lie that he fed you?

846
00:58:33,070 --> 00:58:37,030
Wanna believe you, but is it a ruse? Lie
to me, babe, and I'll end you. I can't

847
00:58:37,030 --> 00:58:39,090
trust anything that comes out of his
mouth.

848
00:58:40,200 --> 00:58:43,220
I'm not convinced that he didn't in our
house.

849
00:58:44,480 --> 00:58:49,260
Do you two ever talk about me? Has he
told you that he doesn't love me? I bet

850
00:58:49,260 --> 00:58:52,720
tells you, tells you he loves you. I've
got an old, got an ugly. I wouldn't

851
00:58:52,720 --> 00:58:54,880
trust anything that comes out of his
mouth.

852
00:58:55,600 --> 00:58:58,780
No, why would he trust anything that
comes out of his mouth?

853
00:59:01,180 --> 00:59:03,180
We had an arrangement.

854
00:59:04,660 --> 00:59:07,140
Be discreet and don't be blatant.

855
00:59:08,900 --> 00:59:09,899
I'm dead.

856
00:59:09,900 --> 00:59:14,600
to be payment it had to be with
strangers

857
00:59:41,900 --> 00:59:43,080
so much pain right now.

858
00:59:43,320 --> 00:59:45,660
I really don't want to be the cause of
any upset.

859
00:59:46,080 --> 00:59:49,160
He told me that you were aware this was
going on and that he had your full

860
00:59:49,160 --> 00:59:54,400
consent. If he's lying about that, then
please let me know because I have my own

861
00:59:54,400 --> 00:59:55,800
feelings about dishonesty.

862
00:59:56,480 --> 00:59:59,040
Lies are not something I want to get
caught up in.

863
00:59:59,680 --> 01:00:05,180
You can reach out to me anytime, by the
way, if you need more details or even if

864
01:00:05,180 --> 01:00:07,480
you just need to vent or anything.

865
01:00:08,920 --> 01:00:11,200
Love and light, Madeline.

866
01:00:30,340 --> 01:00:34,520
Variety's Actors on Actors and Directors
on Directors series have been a runaway

867
01:00:34,520 --> 01:00:38,420
success, with Hollywood's biggest stars
having intimate, one -on -one

868
01:00:38,420 --> 01:00:39,820
conversations on their craft.

869
01:00:40,060 --> 01:00:43,800
And this holiday season, get ready to
listen to your favorite icons of

870
01:00:43,800 --> 01:00:48,440
out -compliment each other in Characters
on Characters, with incredible pairing,

871
01:00:48,580 --> 01:00:50,800
like Rudolph and the Partridge in a Pear
Tree.

872
01:00:52,280 --> 01:00:53,580
Wow, Rudolph.

873
01:00:54,140 --> 01:00:58,780
It is such an honor to be sitting across
from you. Are you kidding me? I'm such

874
01:00:58,780 --> 01:01:03,740
a huge fan of your song. It's such an
honest portrayal of how many days there

875
01:01:03,740 --> 01:01:04,740
are of Christmas.

876
01:01:05,100 --> 01:01:06,540
Wow. That's... Wow.

877
01:01:06,820 --> 01:01:09,160
That's... Wow. That's awesome. Thank
you, man.

878
01:01:09,540 --> 01:01:13,280
So I wanted to start by asking, what was
your train like before you started

879
01:01:13,280 --> 01:01:14,280
flying with this leg?

880
01:01:14,380 --> 01:01:15,380
Can I confess?

881
01:01:15,640 --> 01:01:17,860
I actually don't have any formal
training. No!

882
01:01:18,120 --> 01:01:19,480
It's true. That's incredible.

883
01:01:20,020 --> 01:01:22,580
And really, I'm just a part of an
ensemble, which...

884
01:01:22,800 --> 01:01:23,800
I know you understand.

885
01:01:23,920 --> 01:01:29,180
Yeah, well, you know, when we did 12
Days, it was all the turtledoves and the

886
01:01:29,180 --> 01:01:30,178
maids of Milken.

887
01:01:30,180 --> 01:01:33,900
When you work on a song like that, it's
just... Like your chosen family. I'm

888
01:01:33,900 --> 01:01:34,980
going to beat your chosen family!

889
01:01:36,440 --> 01:01:40,880
Watch as your holiday favorites, like
Scrooge and the Grinch, talk about

890
01:01:40,880 --> 01:01:47,640
in a way that makes you go... I mean, to
get to say the

891
01:01:47,640 --> 01:01:48,640
words of Dr.

892
01:01:48,900 --> 01:01:49,980
Seuss. I mean...

893
01:01:50,480 --> 01:01:55,760
What a privilege, you know. Of course.
And how was it working with Max?

894
01:01:56,540 --> 01:01:58,460
Oh, Max, the dog? Amazing.

895
01:01:58,680 --> 01:02:00,360
Yeah, he's a genius. He's a genius.

896
01:02:00,640 --> 01:02:06,220
Yeah, we shot on location in Whoville,
and the people could not have been more

897
01:02:06,220 --> 01:02:10,400
welcoming. I mean, what is going on with
them politically right now?

898
01:02:10,840 --> 01:02:14,880
Oh, it's unthinkable. And my 3X heart
goes out to them.

899
01:02:15,300 --> 01:02:19,400
So tell me about Bah Humbug. Was that
improv?

900
01:02:19,950 --> 01:02:23,550
I'd love to say that it was, but that
was all Charlie.

901
01:02:24,430 --> 01:02:29,930
Charlie. Oh, Dickens. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have you ever worked with him? Oh, no,

902
01:02:30,190 --> 01:02:33,890
no. I'm dying to, but not yet. Yeah, no,
no.

903
01:02:34,670 --> 01:02:38,810
And don't miss the touching conversation
between two former child stars.

904
01:02:43,530 --> 01:02:45,490
It's good to meet you, Tiny Tim.

905
01:02:46,070 --> 01:02:47,770
It's just Tim now, but...

906
01:02:48,620 --> 01:02:50,140
It's an honor to meet you, little
drummer boy.

907
01:02:50,720 --> 01:02:52,780
Oh, well, now I go by Drum Daddy.

908
01:02:55,120 --> 01:03:00,800
Right, right. And I hate to ask this,
but could you do the thing?

909
01:03:01,340 --> 01:03:02,340
Oh, which thing is that?

910
01:03:03,140 --> 01:03:05,460
Come on, man. Don't act like there's
multiple things.

911
01:03:07,860 --> 01:03:09,860
Pow -rum -pa -pum -pum. Yes!

912
01:03:10,380 --> 01:03:14,300
Let's go! It's my childhood, dude. Pow
-rum -pa -pum -pum. I love you, man.

913
01:03:14,720 --> 01:03:18,220
I love you, too. And literally the only
two women in all of Christmas.

914
01:03:18,590 --> 01:03:22,650
Mrs. Claus, and the grandma from Grandma
Got Run Over by a Reindeer.

915
01:03:24,030 --> 01:03:28,750
Um, I'm sorry, I think she might be
dead.

916
01:03:29,470 --> 01:03:30,470
Ah!

917
01:03:31,150 --> 01:03:32,150
Where am I?

918
01:03:33,310 --> 01:03:34,570
Who are you people?

919
01:03:36,290 --> 01:03:37,890
Varieties, characters on characters.

920
01:03:38,230 --> 01:03:41,730
Just let these autoplay on your computer
so that a bunch of nice people can

921
01:03:41,730 --> 01:03:42,870
still get to work at a magazine.

922
01:03:43,170 --> 01:03:44,170
Happy holidays!

923
01:04:02,350 --> 01:04:03,430
I can't think I'll have brunch.

924
01:04:03,810 --> 01:04:08,930
Seriously, I love when it's just us. No
husbands, no kids, no ferrets. No

925
01:04:08,930 --> 01:04:09,930
offense, Beth.

926
01:04:10,350 --> 01:04:12,390
Peepers passed, actually.

927
01:04:13,050 --> 01:04:14,510
Oh, God, where's their thorn?

928
01:04:14,830 --> 01:04:17,830
No, no, no, he passed on coming here. He
had a big week.

929
01:04:19,270 --> 01:04:21,250
Well, spend Peepers our love.

930
01:04:21,590 --> 01:04:23,710
Wait, have you guys heard Lily Allen's
new album?

931
01:04:24,330 --> 01:04:25,288
I love it.

932
01:04:25,290 --> 01:04:28,130
What's that? Oh, my gosh, her
songwriting is genius.

933
01:04:28,510 --> 01:04:30,270
Like, her lyrics are... So specific.

934
01:04:30,790 --> 01:04:34,390
Agreed. Okay, but wait. Someone has to
take the last piece of the spot bread.

935
01:04:35,010 --> 01:04:36,170
I think that's mine.

936
01:04:36,930 --> 01:04:38,370
Oh. Sorry.

937
01:04:38,930 --> 01:04:41,570
Caroline, do you want it? No. No, go for
it. Are you sure?

938
01:04:41,850 --> 01:04:43,090
Yeah. Yeah, of course. Oh.

939
01:04:43,310 --> 01:04:44,310
Thank you.

940
01:04:46,090 --> 01:04:49,590
We ordered a flatbread. It came with a
slices.

941
01:04:49,890 --> 01:04:51,250
The math is quite simple.

942
01:04:51,650 --> 01:04:54,870
A slices divided by just four people.

943
01:04:55,150 --> 01:04:56,430
We should each get two.

944
01:04:56,730 --> 01:04:58,190
Yet Megan took three.

945
01:04:58,810 --> 01:04:59,890
And so I was screwed.

946
01:05:00,590 --> 01:05:05,290
And I thought, I thought that that was
quite strange.

947
01:05:07,830 --> 01:05:11,750
Eat it. I'm not even hungry. I'm totally
like GLP -1 vibes.

948
01:05:12,230 --> 01:05:14,070
Oh, okay, thanks.

949
01:05:14,410 --> 01:05:16,270
So is anyone doing anything after this?

950
01:05:16,490 --> 01:05:19,630
Oh, yeah, I have really fun plans. I'm
taking Peepers to get an IUD.

951
01:05:20,950 --> 01:05:24,090
Oh, I didn't realize Peepers was a girl
ferret.

952
01:05:24,330 --> 01:05:25,490
Yeah, she's just mad.

953
01:05:28,650 --> 01:05:29,649
Excuse me, sir.

954
01:05:29,650 --> 01:05:32,190
Sorry, the pomade is a little too spicy
for me.

955
01:05:32,410 --> 01:05:34,810
Oh, so sorry about that. That's our
mistake.

956
01:05:36,770 --> 01:05:40,230
When he ordered his drink, he said, can
you make it spicy?

957
01:05:40,610 --> 01:05:43,770
I said, when we do spicy, it can be
really spicy.

958
01:05:44,250 --> 01:05:49,190
He said, that's great, because I really
like spicy. But now he is pissed,

959
01:05:49,370 --> 01:05:50,970
because his drink is so spicy.

960
01:05:51,350 --> 01:05:52,750
And I thought...

961
01:05:57,770 --> 01:05:59,710
Let me fix that right away, sir. I'll be
right back.

962
01:06:00,530 --> 01:06:01,530
Oh, wait.

963
01:06:01,830 --> 01:06:03,010
I have some news.

964
01:06:03,250 --> 01:06:04,470
Wait, have you guys seen All's Fair?

965
01:06:04,970 --> 01:06:07,030
Yes, it's so camp, I'm obsessed.

966
01:06:07,250 --> 01:06:08,510
Sarah Paulson is unbelievable.

967
01:06:10,070 --> 01:06:11,450
This always happens.

968
01:06:11,670 --> 01:06:15,050
I get interrupted whenever I... Oh, my
God, Kim!

969
01:06:16,450 --> 01:06:20,070
Hi, so sorry I'm late. I hope it's okay.
I brought Ryan.

970
01:06:21,000 --> 01:06:23,400
Yeah, we can get another chair.

971
01:06:23,920 --> 01:06:25,860
This is so awkward.

972
01:06:26,160 --> 01:06:30,940
I was blindsided. I specifically asked
if I was invited.

973
01:06:31,380 --> 01:06:36,900
I don't like her friends. They don't get
my joke. Even though I have good ones

974
01:06:36,900 --> 01:06:41,160
like... Beep, beep! Make room for the
daddy -mobile.

975
01:06:41,500 --> 01:06:43,160
I woke up!

976
01:06:43,360 --> 01:06:46,080
This car runs on daddy juice.

977
01:06:50,700 --> 01:06:53,340
I thought that that was quite strange.

978
01:06:54,760 --> 01:06:56,400
What the hell?

979
01:06:57,760 --> 01:06:59,720
That wasn't me. It just fell.

980
01:07:00,020 --> 01:07:02,200
How did the mimosa fall on its own?

981
01:07:02,580 --> 01:07:09,120
I just did that. I did it with my mind.
I've been practicing magic since 2009.

982
01:07:10,040 --> 01:07:14,520
And I thought, I'm like Matilda but
tall.

983
01:07:32,220 --> 01:07:33,220
Wait,

984
01:07:40,860 --> 01:07:43,700
oh my god, look who it is!

985
01:07:50,380 --> 01:07:51,800
decided to come after all.

986
01:07:53,140 --> 01:07:54,140
And I thought,